Swallowing Life Without Tasting It

A couple weeks ago I wrote an Instagram post about having the fear of one day waking up and realizing I had swallowed my life without tasting it. As I contemplated on the idea that we live so fast, I wanted to share with you how I have lived for the last two years. 

In order for me to tell this story, first I must give you a little background. My fiancé David lives in Sweden. Roughly two years ago we decided to move in together, and since he lives in Sweden and I live in Los Angeles, one of us had to move across the world. After we considered a number of factors we finally decided it was best for us to live in Sweden. And so I prepared for the big move. 

As I awaited all the necessary paperwork to come through, the lease on my apartment was about to expire. Luckily, two of my friends were looking for a third roommate and so I moved in temporarily until I sorted things out. I donated half my closet and gave away almost all of my furniture except for my bed, my desk and a few other things. 

Through the next few months all I could think about was moving to Sweden. I was so ready to go that I spent my free moments preparing to leave. I didn’t make friends nor explore new things because I had one foot out the door. I didn’t see the point of creating any memories in LA if I was going to have to say goodbye in a few months. 

It was all going great, or at least I thought It was, but life had different plans for me and it caught me off guard. The paperwork didn’t come through (and later, didn’t come through again). I couldn’t move, at least for another year.

I realized I was living in a time machine, just waiting to move. I had forgotten to check in with my present life. I had nothing that tied me to LA. I didn’t do anything except go to work and go to yoga. I didn’t make new friends and had distanced myself from my actual friends in order to make the move less painful. It was as if I had hit PAUSE on my life for all those months.

I was legitimately scared to grow roots, to make my current apartment my home, because this time was supposed to be transitional, not permanent. 

As hard as it was, I tried to believe that everything happens when it’s meant to happen, not a minute before and not a minute after. Therefore, l was forced to trust the timing of my life. It was probably one of the biggest lessons I could learn.

But I learned another lesson and it is the main intention of me sharing this story with you. 

I was so ready for the next thing and to start my new life that I was unable to live the life that was right in front of me. I had to learn that every transition in our life deserves our attention, our presence. After two years I am still living in that apartment in LA with my two friends. And although I won’t say it is easy to live in “transition,” I will say that I am glad I haven broken through the fears of making new friends, creating roots, feeling settled, and making memories. I have been able to open up to incredible opportunities that now will allow me to look back at this period and have more than the memory of a PAUSE. Instead of “swallowing,” I can say I lived and I savored my life.